The Silent Treatment

There is always one thing a child has control over – their own silence. Sometimes the refusal to speak can push an adult right to the edge of sanity. We are busy. We want to solve problems and move on. We want a respectful response.

My three kids all require different strategies when they are angry. Forcing them to open up – demanding their attention and answers usually just escalates the problem. So, here’s what I’ve learned.

The first thing I learned, early on, is they are all different. The oldest, a boy, is quiet by nature and could happily go all day without speaking to anyone. The next, also a boy, chatters constantly and if there’s no one to talk to he will talk to himself – even now, at 16. The youngest, a girl, loves a good conversation, when she’s ready.

So when dealing with the anger of each, different strategies are necessary.

With the quiet self-motivator – direct questions. Sit, next to him (driving works). He loves a challenge. He will answer anything. He once came into the lounge room (just last year, 17 yo) and said, “I need you guys to help me out. What can I work on regarding my personality and interpersonal skills?” We gave him a list! Amazingly, he was grateful. When he was about 4 he said, “Dad, can you not be so silly around me? I like it serious.” So, I try!

With the talkative boy – leading statements. Sit, facing him. Eye contact helps keeps him on topic. “That really seemed to upset you…” Then listen. That usually works. Then positive present statements / questions (don’t compare to the past him, or to his siblings) “That looked like fun, at first.” Or “You were having fun playing, what happened?” or “I noticed your attitude changed about 2 minutes ago. What happened there?” This boy is very talkative. I try to guide his verbal flow, keeping it on topic and leading to solutions.

With the conversational girl – clarity and patience. Sit, patiently. This one, being the last of three and the girl, has lots of useful examples. She watches her brothers. She watches Mum and Dad. She studies everyone! And she has heaps of emotional intelligence. When she is upset, she is upset at herself as much as the other people – because she doesn’t want to be upset. So, the strategy I’ve found is, when she is angry, just say, “I have noticed you are angry and would like to talk about it. I will be on the couch reading, when you are ready.” She will come. It may take hours. But, she will come. And, I love reading!

We all experience the silent treatment from those around us. Learning how to use it for their benefit, rather than your frustration, will make your day so much better! Perhaps you see one of your kids in my examples. Perhaps your kids are different than mine. The key is to watch yourself and learn – when something works, ask yourself why. Apply and refine your learning each time you encounter the silent treatment.

That’ll get them talking!